Definitely Drunk in Dallas | A Drinking Blog

No matter what anyone says, there is only so many Ed Hardy wearing, 30 thousand dollar millionaires and shallow sluts a person can take. If you’re thinking, “I never get tired of that!”, you are probably one of the listed douche bags above that attend “ultra lounges” that pollute Dallas’ once great atmosphere. If you find yourself saying, “I hate all that douche baggery!”, then I have some great alternatives for you when you absolutely need a break from the Dirty D.

Once you’ve reach the boiling point it’s always good to take a break and remember what a truly good weekend is. This may include but not limited to any of the following examples. In some cases it may include all the examples that follow.

Shady Strip Clubs. If you’ve got the money and supplies, 120 cash and a 30 pack of cheap beer, you can check out a shady strip club. These are always a sure relief of the above mentioned diseases plaguing Dallas. Point your transportation towards Harry Hines and drive. Once you get there close your eyes spin around in a circle several times and then point in the direction you landed. Open your eyes and viola! A shady strip club. You won’t find any Ed Hardys or shallow sluts here. Matter of fact, the Caballeros you do find probably can’t say Ed Hardy and the Sluts are definitely not shallow! If you’re lucky and your Shady Strip Club Russian Roulette will lead you to a club with a pool table.

Country Bars. My personal favorite. Really you only need about 50 bucks for this one. Point yourself towards highway 30/80 and head east. After about 30 miles or so stop and look for the closest bar, if it’s anything bigger than a 2 bedroom apartment you did not go far enough. Once you’ve found the perfect place park and get yourself a 1.50 draft of bud light and kick back and wait for the events to begin. You might want to learn how to do the basic two step and/or line dance before hand so you can participate with the locals. Just a tip, buy a case of beer and keep it in the back of your car(preferably in a cooler), as the bar closes if you’ve been entertaining any ladies, inform them of this “back up beer” and most likely you won’t be going home alone.

Yellow Belly Drag Strip. This is for Sundays. Although it’s tougher to do this one in the winter season because of the outside conditions, but if you’re not a wuss it’s still a great time. This is a no rules drag strip which makes it one of the best times a person could have. Grab you a shit ton of beer. Park your car(or race if you’ve got it) kick back drink and place some bets. It doesn’t get much better than that.

That about sums it up for now. I can’t give out all my secret hideaways all at once. If you follow this list you’ll have a fully loaded weekend with none of the things that currently plague the Dallas area.

*For maximum results do all three events(Friday, Saturday and Sunday) and the whole weekend you can only drink alcoholic beverages.

admin Drinking Strategy

Have you ever been seduced into a fine drinking establishment by amazing drink specials that you thought couldn’t possibly be true? Maybe 2 dollar beers perhaps? Then when you arrive minutes later only to find this terrible shit they call Pabst Blue Ribbon, or PBR as the cool kids say.

I have one thing to say to bars that advertise this drink as a “special,” FUCK YOU how about that special. What a bucket of fucking assholes. I drove less than sober down Greenville Avenue risking life and limb for this terrible fucking 2 dollar beer? First off, selling Pabst Blue Ribbon for 2 dollars should be illegal. I think five cents are spent making each can of this terrible fucking.. whatever it is. It could be goat piss for all I know.

Warning: If you absolutely have to drink Pabst, plan on praying to the porcelain gods and calling in sick the following day. Anyways, there are plenty of other places you can get actual 2 dollar beer at.

admin Rants pabst sucks, shitty beer

You may or may not know that I am a beer man. After many years as a youngster carrying around a handle of $10.99 McCormicks Vodka I finally realized that liquor was not my style.

There are however some exceptions, a few select mixed liquor drinks that you cannot go through life without trying. Without further delay, here they are.

1. Chocolate Cake Shot Recipe – I get this with McCormics Vanilla Vodka, Frangelico, a lemon, and sugar on the rim. Taste amazing just like a chocolate cake. Some people use citrus vodka but I try to stay away.

2. Super Terrific – This is a New Orleans special, you might find it hard to explain to a bartender how to make this specific drink. I’ve found this site of the man who claims to have invented the super terrific. I’ve had these at Club Decatur in New Orleans a few times. Here’s the link to his site and the recipe. Super Terrific Recipe.

3. Incredible Hulk Recipe – If you want to get right down to the dirty truth, try the incredible hulk. Fairly easy to concoct. It’s basically half Hennessy half Hpnotiq no matter how much you want. Beware, after an after noon of this drink I ended up puking up 7-11  hot dogs and getting a cheap tattoo.

4. Irish Car Bomb – Tired of hanging with broskis and drinking yager bombs? Get in touch with your Irish side by trying the Irish Car Bomb. I was told that it is supposed to resemble chocolate milk. Guinness and I have never been friends but fuck it, I was feeling froggy that night. Irish Car Bomb Recipe.

5. Liquid Marijuana Recipe – This is an interesting mix of many fine liquors. However, many have complained that it’s not such a great tasting concoction. You may have to experiment around to find a place that makes it right.

A couple of honorable mentions: pure rumplemintz, hand grenades and hurricanes.

admin Drinking Strategy drinking, Mix Drinks, Mix Shots

Talking shit is very useful art form. Whether it be talking shit to amp up a fisticuffs altercation or just to irritate the living shit out of your opponent at whatever game you’re playing, Talking shit about someone usually works in your favor. This is unless you’re talking shit to Chuck Liddell, that will just end badly. However if it’s just some washed up old man like Hulk Hogan or Bret Michaels then go for it.

So you want to know how to talk shit? If you said yes, you are a dumbass. You probably get beat up by Hulk Hogans and Bret Michaels at your everyday job like a chump. You’re worthless. Chuck Liddell would get Kimbo Slice to handle you cause he doesn’t do “light work.”

The art from of Talk Shit (verb): Insulting an opponent to the point of extreme irritation which results to opponents loss of concentration, confidence and composure.

“But master Andrew, when is best time to talk shit about someone?”
Well my wee friend, the best time to talk shit about someone is when you’ve been at the bar all day and the night time crowd starts to come in. Generally you don’t want to run up and talk shit. You need to have a competitive sport in common before you can talk shit. Otherwise you’ll just walk up and say some smart ass comment and Chuck Liddell will turn around and put a hurtin’ on you.

Once competitive game is in place talking shit should come naturally. Bring opponent’s mother into play. If you feel your too chumy with them, go ahead and bring their sister into the mix. That will get ‘em going.

After a good night of talking shit you’ll sleep like a baby so set your alarm clock for extra loud. Warning, leave all shit talking at the bar, work scenarios do not work this way. You will get fired.

admin How-Tos talk shit, talk shit about, talking shit

As far as T-shirts go we have to wear them otherwise we wouldn’t pass the “no shirt, no shoes NO SERVICE” test. Due to this major flaw in the drinking community I present you this article. (click on t-shirt design to purchase shirt.)

#10 This is a classic phrase among the Veteran drinkers in my community.

#9 One of my favorites, If I had this shirt however, it would never come off.

#8 Ohhhh, that’s what happened last summer.

#7 “Hey BROSKI! Two Heinekens”

#6 This is for the younger Me, as I am no longer able to do this without yacking all over myself.

#5 A MUST have if you drink around douche bags.

#4 Nothing but the truth on this shirt.

We are down to the Final 3 Drinking shirts that we would buy if we wore drinking shirts. I might have to change this to, 7 drinking shirts I would buy if I hadn’t squandered all my money on alcohol and 3 that I’m just about ready to put my bank account into overdraft for.

#3 Perfect, when I’m wearing this shirt don’t even ask. I might be drunk and friendly. But I will not drive you home.

#2 Another pure truth shirt:

#1 Finally, the top shirt we would buy if we wore drinking shirts:

It is always important to be equipped with B.U.B.(back up beer) before attending any party or bar. However if you feel that you will be shitfaced before you even remember B.U.B. Please, get this shirt, you will be thankful.

HONORABLE MENTION:
This shirt does not pertain to drinking but it’s definitely something I would wear in a crowded room full of drunk people. Also we have yet to find out if someone actually produces this shirt. Let us know if you know something about this one.

admin Blog, Drinking Strategy drinking, shirts, top 10